Holidays, why they suck.

The holidays are always tough for me. It means I have to see my mother. It means I have to interact with her and now it means I have to see how old she is getting. Her mind is starting to go and all I see is the burden of what is to come.

I know it sounds horrible. She's my mother, how can you feel this way? It's almost mean how I feel so disconnected from her. I just feel afte everything I have been through I just don't know if I have it in myself to do the right thing.
I just don't want to. I feel like a little kid who has to go to a dr. appt or do something they don't want to do and exclaim they don't want to!!! I am being selfish and immature and maybe this is when I should not be but I an so angry I am in this situation.

My mother never gave me the love to me or my children that was needed. Everything was always about her and now I get stuck with taking care of her. She never took care of my dad. She had me.

She never saved a dime and expected others to help her with out guilt. She had no money because she spent it on strangers and fancy dinners and gifts because of how it made her look to others but to her family she only expected things and gave very little.

How selfish, take money and don't show your appreciate or be grateful. A simple tank you would do, but instead she wants and now NEEDS more from me.

What will I get out of it? Will there be an closer or satisfaction? I don't even feel love. I feel so much anger and hurt from what she did to me. She screwed me up and now I am in a fucked up relationship/marriage. Partially due to how screwed up I am about myself. I have such low self esteem that I  don't have the strength to walk away and I think my husband knows this.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??  Can I change? Will I ever get the strength to take care of myself and do what makes ME happy?

I think i am depressed again. I am open about my depression only because I know I am not alone however I do think it's a sign of weakness in the publics eye. I look at my life and the only thing that make me proud and good is that I have amazing kids. I think they were born amazing. They have it in them and I take no credit. The only credit I would take is to be open with their feelings and be good people to others. Anything they are not good at I will take full responsibility for. I believe kids are born good and anything negative is learned. I have not been the best mother and I wish I could have been different but you can't turn back the clock, but you can be cognizant of it and hope to be better moving forward.
What makes me sad is that I don't have anything to look forward to. I know I am one of the lucky ones, but I can't help wanting to look forward to something.

I feel like I have so much to avoid.