Monday, December 24, 2012

Xmas Eve

Over the past few years xmas hasn't felt festive for me.
I find I am in the same situation every year. Nothing has changed as far as my marriage is concerned. As much as I should be happy with my job and my kids I am so unhappy in my marriage.
It's like the never ending ride that doesn't really change.

It's become who I am. Almost as if it defines me, but it's not me. It's not who I am in my soul.
even my home, it's not a sanctuary to me because it's not me. It's something I settled for to compromise what everyone else wanted. what Alex wanted.

It's my own fault. I have allowed this to happen and I am not doing anything to change it.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Depressing marriage

Yet another day goes by and there is no conversation about anything with Axel.
He says good morning or good night. Asked about dinner, lunch but nothing else. He doesn't try and connect or make conversation about anything at all. Yesterday I had to vent about work and he just nods his head and makes a couple of comments. He see's I am irritated and no follow up.

The other night I tried to initiate a conversation about what he talked about in his private session and just asked if any plan was made? He said well the plan to separate and go to Valentina's and I am like so you will live n the house with her? where will you sleep? If not Valentina's will you spend money on a hotel, rent an apt? Then he made the comment he would stay at the beach and I pointed out that he needs to be in NJ on Mondays so he will commute from LI to NJ??

He has put ZERO thought in any plan. Once again he's not dealing with anything. You don't need a month to think about the possible scenarios. In order to make a plan you need to think about that plan. You may not decide what the plan is but you will have thought about it.

I told him after that the separation isn't about wanting to be apart it was in hopes that he will appreciate me and miss me and I miss him.

After he said I really appreciate the words and it means a lot. Next morning he said it again and that was it. I give my heart on my sleeve and I get a crumb. for everytime I do that I get more dissapointed and hurt and it's just getting worse.

He's writing the blueprint to my not wanting to be with him.
My resentment is building up again not about the affair but about putting myself out there and just being given so little in return. It goes against who I want to be and it's affecting my own happiness and I just can't take it any more. I can not be part of his own weakness and discovery. I want him to figure it out but My love for him is dwindling and I don't know if I have it in me any more.

We are literally 2 people who just inhabit the house.
I don't want to even sleep with him anymore.

It's so depressing.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Days never change

It'll be a year in February since my husband and I have doe couples therapy. 2 weeks ago my husband finally came to the conclusion that nothing has really changed and he doesn't know why he can't do what I need him to do or follow thru on promises abou trying.

I have always said I deep down I don't think he wants to be with me. I think he loves me but not as a wife. Just as a friend and the mother o his child. But not like a woman and a wife. He's just afraid to face it. So fm that he's decided to see our therapist alone. I don't mind because I think or hope it will help.

Sadly nothing has changed once making that decision and even though he's had 1 appt. NOTHING is different at all.